Alright, tonight's suicidal fantasy is quite simple.
I've been sick since the weekend with a plain old cold. Sore throat is driving me crazy, stuffed nose makes breathing difficult. I've been wearing a scarf because the warmth seem to make my throat feel a little better. Although right now all I can think about is tying a makeshift noose with the scarf and strangling myself. I don't think I'd be able to tie a proper noose with a scarf, but I could tie one end in a knot around the rest of the scarf, slip it over my head and tighten it up.
I saw a video online of a young man who hung himself with an ethernet cable. He took muscle relaxants and was sort of leaning against the wall limply rather than fully hanging. I don't have any muscle relaxants but I figure I could get myself pretty drunk quickly and it should have the same effect. I have an unopened bottle of Belvedere vodka which I've been saving for a special occasion, but what occasion is more special than one's last drink?
Of course, I could just down the bottle quickly along with the mostly full bottle of advil in the medicine cabinet upstairs along with various other pills just for good measure, but the plan filling my mind tonight is death by asphyxiation.
So tonight my comforting little escape plan is as follows:
-Begin drinking top shelf vodka
-Ttie scarf firmly around neck with slipknot which will allow it to cinch up on me
-Tie other end to guitar wall hanger which is anchored firmly to a stud in the wall
-Continue drinking until I pass out, go limp and let the makeshift noose do it's job
Problems:
-I really don't want to kill myself at home. I'd feel terrible knowing that I'd be discovered by my parents in the morning (side note - I currently live with my parents, I moved out for a year last year but then moved back. Depression levels remained the same throughout.) When I go out I want as little collateral damage as possible, meaning I would prefer to be found by a police officer or someone else who went into their profession knowing they may have to deal with finding bodies. I know I'd hurt a lot of people in my life if I killed myself, but I'd hate the guilt of scarring them further by having them find my lifeless body.
-I'd shit myself. I've read that when someone dies their bowels release. If I kill myself and it's premeditated I will fast for 24 hours prior to the big show, thus preserving some dignity.
So this was the first real post I'm making here. It feels good to write this out and I hope to continue these as frequently as possible. I don't know if anyone will ever read these. If you are reading this, please don't ever feel bad for me or think I need help. If you comment I may or may not reply. If you offer me help I will always turn it down, I don't need help. These are just fantasies.
04/04/2011
About the blog
Hey. I'm new to this whole blogging thing. I don't read blogs and I've never written one.
Ok, how about I tell you about me? Yeah, I'm gonna do that. I'm a little over twenty years old right now. I've dealt with depression since I was thirteen or fourteen. I didn't have any tragic event that sparked the depression, nor have I had a difficult life. My depression is chemical, or at least that's what one doctor has told me. It's just a feeling of hopelessness that follows me around where ever I go. It steals my motivation and ambition. It leaves me feeling like no matter what I achieve in life, no matter who I have around me it will all be meaningless. I've taken many steps to improve my living situation drastically in many different ways, but none of these help. I don't seek attention from others with regards to this. I have only ever discussed this seriously with one person, a girl whom I dated for seven years and loved very deeply. I was depressed before I met her, when I was with her, and still after she is gone. She made me happy at times though.
That's probably enough about me for now. So let's discuss the purpose of this blog.
Every day I think about killing myself. I've never made any attempts at doing so, and only a handful of times have I been seriously close to taking any action. I don't consider myself at risk of doing any harm to myself (and certainly not to others). However, these thoughts remain. I find them comforting. I enjoy plotting the various ways I could off myself, and that's what I'm going to write about. This will be a diary of my suicidal fantasies.
Ok, how about I tell you about me? Yeah, I'm gonna do that. I'm a little over twenty years old right now. I've dealt with depression since I was thirteen or fourteen. I didn't have any tragic event that sparked the depression, nor have I had a difficult life. My depression is chemical, or at least that's what one doctor has told me. It's just a feeling of hopelessness that follows me around where ever I go. It steals my motivation and ambition. It leaves me feeling like no matter what I achieve in life, no matter who I have around me it will all be meaningless. I've taken many steps to improve my living situation drastically in many different ways, but none of these help. I don't seek attention from others with regards to this. I have only ever discussed this seriously with one person, a girl whom I dated for seven years and loved very deeply. I was depressed before I met her, when I was with her, and still after she is gone. She made me happy at times though.
That's probably enough about me for now. So let's discuss the purpose of this blog.
Every day I think about killing myself. I've never made any attempts at doing so, and only a handful of times have I been seriously close to taking any action. I don't consider myself at risk of doing any harm to myself (and certainly not to others). However, these thoughts remain. I find them comforting. I enjoy plotting the various ways I could off myself, and that's what I'm going to write about. This will be a diary of my suicidal fantasies.
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